Stuff I am shit at

Posted: 04/08/2010 in Humour
Tags: , , ,

I spotted on Twitter recently, reference to a blog from one of my lovely followers in which they listed all the stuff they’re bad at in life. Being the cheeky (and lazy) bastard that I am, I decided I would do the same. So, first and foremost, thanks go to @EatMyHalo for giving me permission to steal her blog idea. Thanks – you’re a fucking star. (You can also see her blog here.)

  • Ironing – this may sound sexist but it’s something I feel women can genuinely do better. To be fair however, Stephen Hawking could probably iron a shirt better than I could. And he’d sound far more interesting as he narrated his efforts, using his ‘Speak & Spell’ voicebox – which, incidentally, I also want one of;
  • Cooking – a little unfair this one, as I think I’m actually an alright cook. My trouble stems from not being arsed with the purchase of necessary ingredients, and then the clear-up operation afterwards – likely to be on a par with the recent BP fiasco;
  • DIY – I can change a lightbulb, re-wire a plug and am good with anything ‘techy’ like connecting up computers, DVD players, VCRs (showing my age here), Wii and other games consoles etc, but ask me to put up a set of curtain polls, a bog-roll holder or use any form of powertool, and I’m fucked. You will not be seeing me on DIY SOS anytime soon – except as a hopeless bellend requiring the services of Nick Knowles and his team. (Especially Julia Kendell , the luscious designer who I have a seriously disgraceful thoughts about on a regular basis.);
  • Staying off Twitter for more than 48 hours – I tried it once. Nearly fucking killed me.
  • Exercise – As a younger man, I used to cycle everywhere, go swimming and was a good runner. Then one day, I passed my driving test. That, coupled with generally getting older, smoking (which I subsequently gave up over 5 years ago now – yay me) and being a lazy bastard who hasn’t got back on a bike since, plus a love for takeaway dinners (especially indian) means I’m now considerably more stocky than I used to be. That said, I used to be too thin – 6ft tall, 10.5 stone and a 32″ waist – I looked fucking terminal. (‘Skeletor’, they used to call me – I could see each and every rib on my torso, and just laying in bed on my side was painful because of my boney hips.)  Well, let’s just say there’s no danger of such a prognosis these days. I’m nearer 15 stone now – but everyone who knew me back then says I look much better and healthier as I am now. Result? Not fucking ‘arf
  • Updating this blog – Though to be fair, I’ve just finished this article – eventually. (So fuck it; scrub that one.)

 There will undoubtedly be further additions to this list. Not least of all because I’m shit at more things than I’m good at. I think.

  1. Anilu Magloire says:

    God, no!!! Don’t you dare stay off Twitter.

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