Archive for the ‘Filth & Smut’ Category

Reincarnation

Posted: 11/03/2013 in Filth & Smut, Humour, Serious

I was thinking the other day:-

If I were to be reincarnated, I’d like to come back as Kelly Brooks’ favourite pair of knickers.

Image

That is all.

Happy Halloween

Posted: 29/10/2011 in Filth & Smut, Humour, Picture

I’ve just received notification from http://www.urbandictionary.com that my definition of the term ‘pidge’ (as listed in my Hoffisms blog) is to be published. Sadly however, they opted not to publish my definition of the term ‘chubb’.

Click here to visit the page in question.

And if any of you would like my autograph, please get in touch.

Well, the title pretty much says it all really, doesn’t it?

Normal Andrex is fine, but the quilted stuff seems to cause me trouble.

Bet you’re glad you stopped by now…

That is all.

Here are some of the alternative words/phrases I like to use for boy/girl body parts etc. Yes this is rude, crude and (hopefully) funny as fuck for you all:-

I shall update it regularly so keep checking back, and if you have any suggestions of your own, please let me know.

Girl bits:- rat, clam, clout, grumbler, twat, mound, muff, hairy polo, gash, gusset, beaver, quimm, furry axe wound, squid ring, clunge, bucket, hairy pie, tuna creek, meat purse, minge, phuddock, cunny, fish taco, hairy cheque book, goo gulley, spunk bucket, growler, stink tube, piss flaps, lady lips, furry cup, meat book, busted clart, bearded clam, beef curtains, fish purse, duck lips, otters/clowns pocket, wizards sleeve, hounds ears, bean pod, clint, spratt, hippos yawn, beetle bonnet, cleft, hood, ham wallet, kloot, bargain bucket, cooter, camel toe, moose-knuckle, fur burger, cooch, catcher’s mitt, cock warmer, whisker biscuit, flesh cavern, hatchet wound, meat massager, cock socket, stench-trench, cock holster, slop hole, hairy doughnut, fish mitten, fuck pocket, sausage wallet, crotch waffle, piss fenders, brakepads, buffalo gums, mossy jaw, blunt-front, bunghole, bunny tuft, womens weapon, bone hider, dick rack,  pole hole, saloon doors, snake lake, temporary lodgings, babyoven, bitch ditch, tampon tunnel, dick mitten, penis purse, rack of clam, wand waxer, bone polisher, pissy froth hole, bald biscuit, cocksleeve, panty hamster, dick basket, knicker bacon, juice pouch, dick duster, (golden) shower curtains, bell-port, minky, cocktrough, fish vault, clopper, mouses ear, pink fig, gusset slug, bin, whisker-pit

Boy bits:- bell, cock, pork sword, mutton musket, spam javelin, japs eye, womb broom, custard chucker, blue-veined piccolo, pink oboe, meat injection, one-eyed trouser snake, dome ferret, top, beef torpedo, purple headed fuck gun, goo stick, pink-skinned kayak, love pump, custard cannon, love spuds, dibner, blue-veined yogurt pump, hat, bell pepper, donka, spaff hammer, lid, twig & berries, pork plunger, spam sock, rooter, meatus, baby’s arm, schlong, meat flute, truncheon meat, goo slinger, spam dagger, ham spanner, kojaks money-box, banjo string, spoof chute, custard stick, blockus, chub stick, bulb (glen), pork sword, piss handle, horses handbrake, spunk trumpet, beef spear, pidge, salt cellar, mud nuzzler, slag hammer, long meat lump, bitch bat, champ, meat teat, blood sausage, prong, gammon cannon, pork cork

Bum bits:- dirtbox, tea-towel holder, balloon knot, hairy eye, puckered starfish, chocolate whizz-way, bourneville boulevard (of broken dreams), choc-o-pipe, shitter, fudge pipe, horses eye, rusty sheriffs badge, back box, mud ring, barking spider, chutney ferret, mud flap, o-ring, wrongun’, bum lips, ringpiece, (rusty) bullet hole, spicy badge, tin star, gate, nipsy valve, sludge pit, ginger wheelspins, mooter, tramps hotdog, wax torpedo, dead otter, mangina, panda’s eye, fudge funnel, cack alley, spicy return, mud muscle, riss(ole), chocolate keyhole, tattered windsock, crinkle-cut pastry cutter, dung funnel, chocolate pudding, clipper muscle, poo knot, hoop, rusty pouch, chutney chunnel, back eye, turd cutter, nipsy ninjas, brown bagel, date-hole

Tit bits: custard pups, lills, funbags, milk pillows, bangers, wangers, clangers, jugs, jubblies, norks, chesticles, sweater-bombs, wobblers, baps, boulders, swingers, spaniels ears, hooters, headlights, milk-mounds, melons, gnat bites, fried eggs, pitta breads, silky domes, 45’s, chest turners, milk taps

Sperm words: baby batter, man fat, population paste, cock custard daddies sauce, goo, spaff, jizz, gleet, eye goo, cock sauce, love lube, bell-glaze, salty-slime, dome dough, love butter, bukkake drizzle, baby gravy, spongle, hat honk, dick sick, man mess, salty soldiers, sex wee, eye fat, frapp salad, baby spray, slap shandy, salty sick, porridge, snedge, root beer, splooge, bell batter, wedding milk, nut butter, nob flob, clit-spit, cunt glue, teat-gleet, choad, knot oil, fuck muck, pisser-puss

You can also listen to me reading* a lot of these Michael-isms here. (*whilst sniggering and laughing like the total and utter fucking child that I am)

It’s true. I had some for the first time the other night.

Normal service has now resumed, and my piss is now smell-free again, I’m pleased to report.

That is all.

Some people really are disgusting. And I mean really grim…

I arrived at work this morning and, after the usual activity of turning the phones off night service, opening a few windows (yes, it is warm in my office, even at 8am), filing a few overnight reports that had run and then making myself a cup of tea, I decided to visit the little boys room for a tinkle. (I realise this particular piece of information won’t (or shouldn’t, anyway) interest you but, as I’ve said before, this is my blog.)

As I approached ‘trap 2’ (as we affectionately refer to it in my office), I was greeted by the sight of dried on ‘Bungles Finger’ residue on the back on the pan. And below the waterline, it resembled the start/finish line at a F1 racing circuit.

Someone clearly cannot operate a shit-house brush, and also has an oddly angled balloon-knot, given the evident trajectory of their spatterings.

I don’t know who it was for sure, but I have a fair idea. (And no, not because of the look, colour or anything to do with the actual turdage itself.)

I’m tempted to name and shame them, but without proof I probably shouldn’t. Perhaps an email round to everyone reminding them where the toilet duck and bog-brush are located would be a more appropriate and subtle method of avoiding any repeat performances.

It’s not just me being overly sensitive, is it?