Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

One foot in the grave?

Posted: 27/05/2014 in Humour, Serious
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I fully acknowledge and accept the fact I’m fast becoming a grumpy old man, but I’ve just returned from the piss-house at work and someone before me has walked away from the sink having left the tap slightly on. 

Now, we’re not talking an occasional drip here; there’s a definite and significant egress of water happening. The tap’s even making a funny noise, the likes of which you’d expect when it hasn’t been shut off properly, so there’s no way whoever it was couldn’t have realised.

Whilst I congratulate them on washing their hands after their tinkle (or plop), it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out the tap isn’t off properly if it’s making a noise and still pissing water now does it? Or perhaps it does…

Then, today, someone emptied out a couple of bottles of milk from our work fridge that had gone off over the bank holiday weekend. But didn’t then bother to rinse the bottles out afterwards. No. They left them kicking up a funk on the kitchen worktop.

Fucks sake.

How do these mucky bastards function hygienically in their own homes? Actually, scratch that – I don’t wanna know…

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A friend of mine recently told me a story regarding one of his mates who, back in the day, had his first ever car stolen.

When he got to the spot where he’d left his prized possession, the only evidence that remained was a discarded Rick Astley tape, in the gutter, which the thief had apparently removed from the cassette player and flung out the window before driving off.

He is quoted as saying, “Funnily enough, that kinda made me hate the cunt a little bit less.”

Can’t argue with that.

Even thieves have some taste…

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Reincarnation

Posted: 11/03/2013 in Filth & Smut, Humour, Serious

I was thinking the other day:-

If I were to be reincarnated, I’d like to come back as Kelly Brooks’ favourite pair of knickers.

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That is all.

Michael, OBE?

Posted: 31/12/2011 in Humour, Serious
Tags: , , ,

Gotta laugh at these New Years Honours lists. Seems any old bell can get a CBE, MBE or OBE these days…

A convicted fraudster (who ‘turned his life around’ and now raises money for charity – yeah right), an indian restaurateur who has promoted indian cuisine (ok, I’ll let that one go – worthy enough) and then some black kid who was in a gang, was also a drug addict and criminal, but who has now also ‘turned his life around’ and helps his local community. And Lorraine Kelly?

…Do fuck off.

Happy Halloween

Posted: 29/10/2011 in Filth & Smut, Humour, Picture

The funniest thing you’ll ever watch on YouTube. EVER.

I don’t know who came up with this, but I take my hat off to you. GENIUS!

Hello Rioters. Look at your friend, now back to me. Now at your friend, now back to me.

Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped using petrol bombs and started using job centre he could potentially be me.

Look down, back up. Where are we? You’re at an interview with the man your friend could work for.

What’s in your hand? Back at me.

I have it. It’s an application form for that job you need.

Look again. The form is now money.

Anything is possible when you get a job and stop looting.

I’m at my job.