Posts Tagged ‘dirty’

One foot in the grave?

Posted: 27/05/2014 in Humour, Serious
Tags: , , ,

I fully acknowledge and accept the fact I’m fast becoming a grumpy old man, but I’ve just returned from the piss-house at work and someone before me has walked away from the sink having left the tap slightly on. 

Now, we’re not talking an occasional drip here; there’s a definite and significant egress of water happening. The tap’s even making a funny noise, the likes of which you’d expect when it hasn’t been shut off properly, so there’s no way whoever it was couldn’t have realised.

Whilst I congratulate them on washing their hands after their tinkle (or plop), it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out the tap isn’t off properly if it’s making a noise and still pissing water now does it? Or perhaps it does…

Then, today, someone emptied out a couple of bottles of milk from our work fridge that had gone off over the bank holiday weekend. But didn’t then bother to rinse the bottles out afterwards. No. They left them kicking up a funk on the kitchen worktop.

Fucks sake.

How do these mucky bastards function hygienically in their own homes? Actually, scratch that – I don’t wanna know…



Here are some of the alternative words/phrases I like to use for boy/girl body parts etc. Yes this is rude, crude and (hopefully) funny as fuck for you all:-

I shall update it regularly so keep checking back, and if you have any suggestions of your own, please let me know.

Girl bits:- rat, clam, clout, grumbler, twat, mound, muff, hairy polo, gash, gusset, beaver, quimm, furry axe wound, squid ring, clunge, bucket, hairy pie, tuna creek, meat purse, minge, phuddock, cunny, fish taco, hairy cheque book, goo gulley, spunk bucket, growler, stink tube, piss flaps, lady lips, furry cup, meat book, busted clart, bearded clam, beef curtains, fish purse, duck lips, otters/clowns pocket, wizards sleeve, hounds ears, bean pod, clint, spratt, hippos yawn, beetle bonnet, cleft, hood, ham wallet, kloot, bargain bucket, cooter, camel toe, moose-knuckle, fur burger, cooch, catcher’s mitt, cock warmer, whisker biscuit, flesh cavern, hatchet wound, meat massager, cock socket, stench-trench, cock holster, slop hole, hairy doughnut, fish mitten, fuck pocket, sausage wallet, crotch waffle, piss fenders, brakepads, buffalo gums, mossy jaw, blunt-front, bunghole, bunny tuft, womens weapon, bone hider, dick rack,  pole hole, saloon doors, snake lake, temporary lodgings, babyoven, bitch ditch, tampon tunnel, dick mitten, penis purse, rack of clam, wand waxer, bone polisher, pissy froth hole, bald biscuit, cocksleeve, panty hamster, dick basket, knicker bacon, juice pouch, dick duster, (golden) shower curtains, bell-port, minky, cocktrough, fish vault, clopper, mouses ear, pink fig, gusset slug, bin, whisker-pit

Boy bits:- bell, cock, pork sword, mutton musket, spam javelin, japs eye, womb broom, custard chucker, blue-veined piccolo, pink oboe, meat injection, one-eyed trouser snake, dome ferret, top, beef torpedo, purple headed fuck gun, goo stick, pink-skinned kayak, love pump, custard cannon, love spuds, dibner, blue-veined yogurt pump, hat, bell pepper, donka, spaff hammer, lid, twig & berries, pork plunger, spam sock, rooter, meatus, baby’s arm, schlong, meat flute, truncheon meat, goo slinger, spam dagger, ham spanner, kojaks money-box, banjo string, spoof chute, custard stick, blockus, chub stick, bulb (glen), pork sword, piss handle, horses handbrake, spunk trumpet, beef spear, pidge, salt cellar, mud nuzzler, slag hammer, long meat lump, bitch bat, champ, meat teat, blood sausage, prong, gammon cannon, pork cork

Bum bits:- dirtbox, tea-towel holder, balloon knot, hairy eye, puckered starfish, chocolate whizz-way, bourneville boulevard (of broken dreams), choc-o-pipe, shitter, fudge pipe, horses eye, rusty sheriffs badge, back box, mud ring, barking spider, chutney ferret, mud flap, o-ring, wrongun’, bum lips, ringpiece, (rusty) bullet hole, spicy badge, tin star, gate, nipsy valve, sludge pit, ginger wheelspins, mooter, tramps hotdog, wax torpedo, dead otter, mangina, panda’s eye, fudge funnel, cack alley, spicy return, mud muscle, riss(ole), chocolate keyhole, tattered windsock, crinkle-cut pastry cutter, dung funnel, chocolate pudding, clipper muscle, poo knot, hoop, rusty pouch, chutney chunnel, back eye, turd cutter, nipsy ninjas, brown bagel, date-hole

Tit bits: custard pups, lills, funbags, milk pillows, bangers, wangers, clangers, jugs, jubblies, norks, chesticles, sweater-bombs, wobblers, baps, boulders, swingers, spaniels ears, hooters, headlights, milk-mounds, melons, gnat bites, fried eggs, pitta breads, silky domes, 45’s, chest turners, milk taps

Sperm words: baby batter, man fat, population paste, cock custard daddies sauce, goo, spaff, jizz, gleet, eye goo, cock sauce, love lube, bell-glaze, salty-slime, dome dough, love butter, bukkake drizzle, baby gravy, spongle, hat honk, dick sick, man mess, salty soldiers, sex wee, eye fat, frapp salad, baby spray, slap shandy, salty sick, porridge, snedge, root beer, splooge, bell batter, wedding milk, nut butter, nob flob, clit-spit, cunt glue, teat-gleet, choad, knot oil, fuck muck, pisser-puss

You can also listen to me reading* a lot of these Michael-isms here. (*whilst sniggering and laughing like the total and utter fucking child that I am)